The emotional impact of words

My work life and personal life are crossing over with this post.  I talk a lot with my clients about how it isn't words that hurt them but the emotional attachment they place on the words.

For me and I am sure many mums I cringe at the word special.  I never used to and in fact there are times that I know I have felt special.  When I look at the definition of sepcial why wouldn't it have made me feel good?



spe·cial  /ˈspeSHəl/ Adjective Better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.
Early 13c. definition, "better than ordinary,"

I'm writing this because there have been times when I've heard Evan described as special. Now whilst I might believe she's better, greater and most certainly different from what is usual, I know that isn't what others are thinking. More likely 'not as good, lesser - maybe broken in some way and yes different from what is usual but not in a positive way. That makes me feel sad and angry.

But if our kids are special, by the dictionary definition, all the other kids are ordinary.  If someone described you as ordinary how would you feel?  I know that would make me cringe.

or·di·nar·y  /ˈôrdnˌerē/ Adjective With no special or distinctive features; normal.

I like the word unique.  To me it describes each and every one of us as who we are.

u·nique  /yo͞oˈnēk/ Adjective Being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else.

Wouldn't it be great if we simply saw everyone as unique?  The thought of that makes me feel good :-).

Some just 'get' her

It is really nice when people 'get' Evan. To see that she's not 'special' because she isn't 'normal' but that she is special just because she is...

This note says it all.  It was given to Evan on the last day of her art class, which was run by a lovely 18 year old girl and her mum.  It reads:

"Evan... What an amazing little girl you are, and it has been our utter pleasure getting to know you here at Ripley Art Classes. May your unique spirit and gentle nature carry you far."

This makes me cry every time I read it.

Tic tock can't turn back the clock

I've never really talked about Evan's tics in a public way before. This was because I didn't want people to give me any sympathy and more importantly I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

It is mad even as I write this I think, this isn't about me is it, this is about Evan having to live with having tics? When they started though, of the three of us, Jim, Evan and I, it appeared that I was the only one that was distressed about them.

They officially started back in August 2012.  I say officially because with hindsight we believe there were less obvious things going on before then.  Up until then it had been a fun year and this was evidenced by all the amazing pictures on the photo-stream on our tv.  A photo stream that for a few months became my nightmare.

The first thing that we noticed was that every few steps she would squat down.  The day she went back to school she started jerking her head back.  The day after she was squatting and jerking her head back at the same time and then on day three she added a sound with an extra few head jerks thrown in.

The worse thing for me was that there was an odd look in her eyes.  Maybe it was the head jerking causing them to look odd but it was like she wasn't my little girl any more.  Every time I saw those damn photos streaming all I wanted to do was turn back the clock and get my little girl back again.  The only time I wasn't crying was when she was with me.  The moment she was away from me the tears would start falling again.

Then one day I thought this has got to stop and I contacted a wonderful hypnotherapy friend of mine Tracy Jones and asked her to help me.  We had a telephone conversation during which I spent most of the time crying and saying to poor Tracy "yes I know, but I still feel bad".  None of the usual stuff was helping.  Then she said I'm going to turn one of your favourite techniques on you, it is a Sedona method technique and she simply asked "are you going to feel like this forever?"  That's actually all she had to ask because it stopped me in my tracks, the obvious answer of 'NO' took away the intensity of the feelings.

It didn't immediately take away my fear and my worry but it did stop the tears.  It is always nicer when Evan's in a period of no tics but I have at last got to the point where my heart doesn't pound with dread when they start.

At the moment she says 'yes' whilst pulling her arm down in a celebratory fashion.  Most of the time she adapts it to make it look like she is doing just that, celebrating something.  But the other day I asked her a question and she said "yes" and then went "no, no, wait hold on a minute", she was so comical trying to backtrack from her yes it made me laugh.  It was good to find the humour in the situation.

I no longer wish I could turn back the clock because I've realised that Evan is still my funny, quirky, nutty little thing she has always been.